Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named