chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Thursday
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
subtitles are so good nowadays
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes