THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄