Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
me when I see my crush
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
got so much cardio in today
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything