While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You Might Also Like
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Merica.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years