Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.