kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
One venti cheeseburger please.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
when someone compliments me
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
road rage
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.