No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
the dark web is just a goth google.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
She puts the hot in psychotic
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.