Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
moms in horror movies
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Whoa 😂
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
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