Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
This did not end as expected.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Natty or not?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter