The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*