we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”