I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.