CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I hope this email finds you in a well
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.