Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?