Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no