Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
just having fun
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My current situation
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it