Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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584.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.