I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
You Might Also Like
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.