When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.