someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
You Might Also Like
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.