Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
They did not think through this water fountain
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.