Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch