Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Worlds greatest photobomb
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy