Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
You Might Also Like
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.