My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
That’s it.I’m out.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*