[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face