Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”