FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.