Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!