i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me