[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”