If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I forgot how to panic. Help
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?