[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
thank god
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”