FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage