Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Selfie
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
this post was so formative to me
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
there has never been a better use of this meme
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]