My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
the rocks need my help
NASA has no chill
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good