Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I need better friends