Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.