if my sleeping schedule was a person
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.