Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Going into Monday like
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Not all heroes wear capes….
Candles never taste the way they smell
This is always good for a laugh.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*