“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it