“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…