Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I didn’t realize that was an option
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.