Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.