Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what