“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*