Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
You Might Also Like
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”