coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
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If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*