“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
No, he would not have.
…..pretty much.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.